Old House of Fear

Wed 6 Sep 2023 - Filed under: Not a Journal., , , | Posted by: Gavin

Yesterday was a wash. After I put together breakfast for me and the kid, I had a health crash. It wasn’t hospital level, happily, rather one where, lying on the couch as per usual, I wanted needed to lie down. I was lying down but I need to lie down more. I had the smallest pillow under my head and it was a too much to bear.

In the morning my ambitions for the day had included a little light laptop work, making lunch, maybe even dinner, playing a video game, doing some dishes, skimming Bluesky, taking the dog for a short night walk. So all of those things fell to Kelly as I felt the squeeze of the air above me crush me down further. ~15 lbs of air above me was too heavy but there was nowhere to go.

The day improved slowly. I did as close to nothing as I could. That was easy during the first part where staring at the ceiling took everything I had. As time went by and I slowly (metaphorically) crawled back to my new norm, I realized I’d achieved the zen state of no thoughts. Zen-like, this made me neither happy nor unhappy.

Today I’m again on the couch, no different from the last eighteen months and my plans today are on the simpler end.

I’m attributing yesterday’s crash to Post-Exertional Malaise, a term I did not know before December 2021. On Sunday and Monday we had friends visit. They all tested — for which I am very grateful — and I did very little. While I was never a great host, now I am quite terrible. Someone else — Kelly — has to take care of welcomes and drinks and snacks and comfort and conversation and so on. Instead I sat half-slumped trying to be as near horizontal as was polite (ha, silly me, just give up and lie down) and to use as little energy as possible even as I was still delighted to see people (and dogs!). I did very little and removed myself from company after a little while and apparently it was all still too much.

So: no events, no conferences, no parties, no book fairs, no nothing that is just even the littlest bit interesting for a while yet more for me.

Hilariously I’d been meant to see my doctor last week. They cancelled it. I got a new last minute appointment for this Friday. Yesterday they called: and cancelled it. Maybe they’ll call me to re-arrange. I don’t have the energy.

———

List of 3 Russell Kirk booksWhat I’d wanted to write about this past weekend — instead of about this mushy piece of flesh attempting to pass itself off as a body — was a book I’d been reading: Russell Kirk’s Old House of Fear.

My mother died two years ago and in the run up to her anniversary I decided to read one of the books she’d included in a late-in-life reading journal. My mother loved books as much as anyone I know, although our tastes did not particularly align. However the books she recommended to me, siblings, extended friends, and family, were quite often a good fit. I also loved that she did not care one whit about condition or edition. A rare, signed first edition hardcover was the same book to her as an ex-library charity shop find. The story mattered, the particular book did not.

I’ve read and enjoyed all the books she’d recommended to me over the years and what fascinated me about these Russell Kirk books was their uncanny nature. She’d told me she loved Dennis Wheatley when she was young but her recent favorites included Dorothy Dunnett and Anthony Trollope — she was delighted to have found and read every book Trollope published. Kirk sounds like someone my mother would have argued with — she was religious but still a humanist. Now that I’ve read Old House of Fear, however, I can see why she had listed it. Or, without being able to ask, I think I can.

Old House of FearThe novel is set and was written in 1960 and published in 1961 and begins along the same lines as the film Local Hero: an American employee of a large firm is sent to Scotland to try and buy some land, here an island off the north coast. The novel quickly moves into John Buchan territory, with no one quite as they seem and strange events and behaviors, and then there are the stories within the story. Fair warning to readers, it is a novel of its time and while it doesn’t have some of the worst markers of the time the attitudes are sometimes rank.

If you read this edition, I definitely recommend leaving the introduction until you’ve finished the book — the writer says there are some great covers on the pulp editions. And if possible, read the book late at night. Even better if the wind is high and there are branches scraping at the window and you’re not quite sure there are any branches near enough the window to make that noise.

So that’s more writing than I meant to do and I’m stopping here before writing more about the book. Do tell me if you’ve read it or recommend more Kirk. I haven’t looked for the other 2 on my mother’s list.

Now it’s time for me to put my computer aside and take a break. We have a book out next week, so maybe I can do some last minute work on that. Maybe not. I am definitely not able to do as much work, Small Beer or otherwise, as in the past. So any help spreading the word about these new books is always appreciated.


The 2022 I Knew

Thu 15 Dec 2022 - Filed under: Not a Journal., , , , , | Posted by: Gavin

This is about my own year, not the press’s. 2022 was . . . constrained. I look at my steps recorded on my phone — and the watch I got this year to assuage worries about my heart rate — and from the ups and downs and the ever-so-slight rising line I think 2023 will be more of the same. It is hard to think of another year like this but I’ll be grateful if I improve. My resting heart rate is about 80. My standing heart rate is a joke, say 105.

I still spend most of my days lying down. I have learned resting and pacing, although truthfully I have learned it any number of times this year. I get up and I feel fine, I forget I am sick, I start to walk at my normal pace, I am reminded bodily that I am a new slower person. I have tried many supplements: I’m a skeptic but if a friend says a tincture or pill helped them, or I read some long covid study, I’ll try it. I had an MRI (clear!), a CT scan (yes, I have an odd bod but mostly ok and not the cause of this), and I even had an EMG test, needles stuck in me, woah, which was all clear. Now I hope to get a microclot blood test but that may take some months.

When, after an hour or so, I start to lose focus on my laptop, I play Asphalt 8+ on my phone or on the TV. I haven’t played videogames in years and this game is both boring and lightly exciting and sometimes literally circular. It passes time in which I can’t think about all the things I either have to do our would like to do. I have watched everything on TV and finished twitter. I did go start a Mastodon account for me and work — I think this will get you there.

I’d like to write both more and less here. I’ve gone away and come back to this a couple of times already today so maybe this is enough. I’ll be back in 3 months for another update.

In my teenage years I wasn’t at all sure adulthood would be worth the wait and while this year has been a somewhat similar very slow dragging out of time while waiting for things to improve I am grateful to my family for their patience and love and to friends near and far who have reached out and helped support us all during this.

There are so many, many crappy people and things and yet there are a lot of good people out there doing mitzvahs for others that are never publicized. I’m getting old and sometimes it’s all Vonnegut all the time in my head, just be kind, why don’t you.

 

 


2 Steps Forward

Tue 18 Oct 2022 - Filed under: Not a Journal., , , , | Posted by: Gavin

[Previously] A few months ago I was texting my hilarious, sardonic,  pragmatic doctor brother telling him I’d dropped off the slow improvement line I’d been on and he said something like, “Oh, that’s a shame . . . it’s the old two steps forward, one weekend in bed.” It was a throwaway line he didn’t remember a couple of months later — “uh oh, worrying when people listen to me” — and while at first it was a bit much to take in I’ve found it to be increasingly helpful this year especially times such as last week when I had my legs cut out from under me once again for no reason I could see and am in good running, as it were, for a gold medal in the Western Mass Couch Lying Event for a couple of days running.

Before that my daily steps report had been slowly rising and one day I spent 2 hours at Book Moon, not really doing anything but enjoying being there. Still a bit exhausting but also a little exhilarating. I was in as we had two people out, one with Covid (they tested positive for 18 days . . . ) and one sick. They’re both back now, phew, and Book Moon is getting busier, phew. All orders appreciated!

So now I’m slowly building my steps back up. Often times I think I am doing things slowly enough I am wrong and have to slow down again. It is incredibly frustrating. The difference between where I am and being able to pull 1,500 pounds of books on a pallet jack is unmeasurable. At the moment carrying a box of books upstairs is impossible, ack. Thankfully Small Beer tiptoes along as the booksellers at Book Moon are mailing out the Advance Reading Copies of Ayize Jama-Everett’s Heroes of an Unknown World this week and Kelly and I have a new cover for the Advance Reading Copy of Sarah Pinsker’s Lost Places.

Over the weekend I read Naomi Novik’s fabulous pageturner The Golden Enclaves. I could not read it all at once, too tiring (woah, annoying), but it was great fun and much more than that. Highly recommended.

Do me a favor, wear a mask to protect yourself and everyone around you,

Cheers!
Gavin


Could Have Had a Baby or 2 By Now

Wed 21 Sep 2022 - Filed under: Not a Journal., , , | Posted by: Gavin

tl;dr still out sick. This is my 3-month follow up my June post which was a 3-month follow up my March post:

I’m writing from my couch where I’ve been laid up since mid-December [2021] with something — most likely post-viral fatigue . . .

and I am more frustrated with the thought of writing this (or another one in 3 months time, ugh) than anything since I don’t know — maybe since I was stuck trying to write poetry to order in high school and was only able to commit doggerel whereas of course otherwise I could write pages and pages of poetry/songs/ballads/epics.

Anyway, this post brought to you by the letters C, O, U, C again, and H, as well as H and P — Harvard Pilgrim, our family health insurance provider which we pay for, being self-employed and all that. My cheery Boston-based pulmonologist, whom I’ve spoken to twice by zoom, wants me to get a CT scan. Since I’ve had an ultrasound and a chest x-ray I was happy to try and collect the full set. Just got a call from the local hospital saying my insurance has denied the request to cover it. Here on the couch I am not filled with rage, who has the energy for that? Instead I am on the edge of tears. A side effect of either my age or condition: I’m getting much better at crying. Now the cheery pumonologist has called to do battle on my behalf. I wish him luck. [Later: nope, not covered. Appointment cancelled, dr. will try again. Will wilting but meh.]

He told me that whether or not I ever had Covid, he’s including me in the post-Covid cohort as my symptoms (basically fatigue or what I feel to be uselessness) fit. He does some testing for the groups associated with a fatigue study I just read about in New Scientist which is cheering. Resting, pacing, coconut water, more salt in my diet, and recumbent exercise are all on order. Apparently there may be some physiological changes in blood flow that can be picked up during an exercise test with a pulmonary catheter placed. If I could, I’d up and run away at the thought of that but that’s out the question so maybe I will get that done at some point. So it goes.

I am in two minds (at least, always) about how much to write. I may be improving as my phone says my step count is inching up but is that just me learning how to live with this? I am still immensely physically limited.

I can do some of the Small Beer and Book Moon work that I need to do and I can help our kid (from the couch) with her homework. I can make breakfast but actual standing around cooking for any length of time is too much — I sit down if I am chopping anything, etc. I’ve been to Book Moon twice for about 20 minutes each and hope to visit once a week but even the trip there (ooh, out the house!) is exhausting. Apparently my bandwidth, for lack of a better term, is still very limited. I haven’t been to the office but Kelly collects mail every couple of weeks. Kelly does way too many things! I can’t mail things out or move books — I can send emails and so on although even there at some point every day I realize I am done and need a break as I’m not comprehending what I’m reading or unable to type more than a word without a typo. I have taken up Asphalt 8+ to pass time. I don’t think I was a hugely active person before this but I did enjoy kicking to do things off lists, going places, seeing people. Maybe in the future.

Small Beer: I am just about to send an extended edition with bonus material of Ayize Jama-Everett’s 4th and final Liminal novel, Heroes of an Unknown World, to the galley printer. 100+ indie bookstores will be getting copies along with reviewers. All four novels should be available on Edelweiss. We’re really trying to get the completion of this series celebrated in February when it comes out. The Liminal books are pageturners, full of action and also the complicated dynamics of friends and family.

————

I have gone away from this and come back to it a couple of times and there’s a disappointing lack of narrative to it, sorry, but I am at the many typos stage again so that’s it for now. Next Monday I get another vaccine booster, woo.

In my ancient mariner way, supine on the couch, I recommend wearing a mask.


6 Months in a Leaky Boat

Wed 15 Jun 2022 - Filed under: Not a Journal., , , | Posted by: Gavin

This is a 3-month follow up my March post:

I’m writing from my couch where I’ve been laid up since mid-December with something — most likely post-viral fatigue. In the first week of December I had a small cold(?) and had multiple negative Covid results.

which was a 3-month update on me succumbing to some kind of post-viral something last December. The stunning accuracy of my self-diagnosis is the same as it was then.

Now it’s early summer and as I was then, I’m writing this lying flat on our couch. I can lie around and do a little bit of work but I can’t lift a box of books (ha ha ha. No chance) or do most of the things I’d usually do. I walk around very slowly. My max is about about 200 yards and then I regret having walked so far as going back takes twice as long. If I do anything physical or a lively phone or zoom call that will be me flat on the couch for 2-3 hours (or, worst case: 2-3 days, ugh) doing nothing. I haven’t worked at Book Moon — or the Small Beer office — since December and do I miss it.

I’m taking more vitamins and supplements than I ever have. Do they work? Don’t know. I’ll try just about anything now. Talked to my doc today who’s referring me to a post-COVID clinic in Boston — after previous cardio, rheumatology, and neuro referrals.

Small Beer: we’ve slowed down on publishing — Ayize’s 4th and final Liminal novel, Heroes of an Unknown World, was too much for me this month. It’s needs more energy behind it so we moved it to February. (Don’t ask me why as it’s not us, but the ebook is onsale at a certain website for $1.99.) We’re at the contract stage with a few more 2023/2024 titles and I’m working — even slower than usual — on the new LCRW.

I have no idea of my prognosis. Maybe this is middle age for me or maybe this is long covid. If it’s the latter (I am 2 x vaxxed, 2 x boosted), good golly, wear a mask.

ETA: thank you for lovely emails, comments, support. I would be completely pancaked out on the floor but for Kelly’s patience, love, and advocacy — please spare her a thought as I lie here, yes, on the damn couch.

 


NoWP 2022

Thu 24 Mar 2022 - Filed under: Not a Journal., , , , , | Posted by: Gavin

I’m sorry not to be at AWP (ha) this week.

tl:dr I am out sick

Longer version:

I ladventuristsike tabling. I like talking to people about books, selling some, surprising people with LCRW (a paper zine? What?!), and the accessibility of being right there for people to ask questions about Small Beer/publishing/whatever. I like wandering the book fair and buying books and magazines from publishers new and old. I like going to an occasional panel and some readings — I especially like putting on or being involved with other presses putting on an offsite reading — and I really enjoy catching up with people I know, meeting new people, all that.

If we were there . . . we’d have a stack of Richard Butner’s new collection The Adventurists — it’s so good! It came out this week! We’d have books by Small Beer authors who are at the big show: Sofia Samatar’s world bestriding A Stranger in Olondria and her collection Tender; Juan Martinez’s Best Worst American — one of his stories is soon to be read on Selected Shorts at Symphony Space; and Elwin Cotman’s NPR Best of the Year Dance on Saturday. And we’d have all those pretty books in that picture below that came out oh just quite recently.

We aren’t there for 2 reasons: the first is Covid — which as far as I know I have never had. I have had all 3 of my vaccines. I’m delighted that AWP required vaccinations and masks. Science, FTW! But the idea of being in a book fair with up to 3,000 people is too much for me. Johns Hopkins Coronavirus Resource Center (updated 3/24/22) has the US covid fatality rate at 1.2%. The deaths are mostly among the unvaccinated and the immunocompromised — but risking my (and by extension my family’s) life on someone else’s masking choice when there is a 1 in 100 chance we might die is too high for me.

I am sorry not to be at AWP, but: I haven’t even been to the Small Beer office or Book Moon in more than 3 months because the second reason we’re not there is that I am out sick.

I’m writing from my couch where I’ve been laid up since mid-December with something — most likely post-viral fatigue. In the first week of December I had a small cold(?) and had multiple negative Covid results. A week later I was in the ER. I’m improving — at a glacial rate. I have only left the house since then to see the doctor. I lie around all day, do a little work, watch Abbot Elementary and Better Things and sometimes read (including, for my sins, twitter) — although that brain fog made fiction too hard for a bit. So please accept my apologies for being slow at everything, including email. In early December I was running up the stairs from the Book Moon basement carrying boxes of books. Now a zoom conversation leaves me exhausted. (As in: I will lie flat for 3 hours and do nothing.)

Ugh, I did not want to have to write this but since I am missing a very enjoyable event and have been down for 3 months it seemed like time. I am 51 (when did that happen?) and despite having to lie around all the time (walking is a lot; running is woah so very far away) I feel very lucky, very well looked after at home. I’m not really looking for feedback — unless you have a similar experience with post-viral fatigue — and I apologize in advance for not keeping up as I’ve used much of today’s energy to write this. Although my prognosis is unclear, if all goes as it seems it might, it looks like I will be healthy again by summertime. Fingers crossed!

And if you just can’t help yourself and must buy some books, why, stop by here. Or: we have a tiny, mighty bookshop, Book Moon, with fabulous booksellers who can help you out Monday-to-Saturday 10-6.