Leaked White House Memo

Sat 1 Jun 2002 - Filed under: Chuntering On, Free Stuff to Read | Leave a Comment


From our mole in The Pentagon, June 2002:

Date: Last year? (That would be 1972, right?)

Subject: Who we gonna call?

To: xxxxxxxxxxxx (for security purposes)

From: xxxxxxxxxxxxx (as above)

Ok, look. What the hell are we going to do? Army — and let’s not talk about Navy or Airforce, or the damn “special” forces — recruitment is down to god-awful percentages. What the f*&%? I mean, if not now, as T. Chapman, asked, thenWhen? We ran some numbers on one of those supercool computer Steve Jobs is playing with for us, and it said that we are up the midwest creek without a paddle, a gunnel, or an armored convoy. We need Mom. Not Mobile Operative Missiles, neither Manually Operated Mopeds, but she-who-makes-the PB&Js! It’s time to sort out who the real force in American (ahem, U.S.) politics is today, and we know, if they get their act together, it’s the moms.

As requested a decade or so ago, Detroit has prepared the way. Hell, we knew the Gremlin would work,* but this well?

After the push for tiny European cars had its expected reaction — pushing the buying public toward huge- and boat-size cars in the 1980s, the Chrysler Corporation (now a Daimler-Daihatsu company) brought the first “mini-vans” to market. These brought the concept of the “van” (or Multi-Person Carrier) to the masses, leading to the very successful launch of, firstly the SUV (Sports Utility Vehicle), leading quickly onto the still slow, but gaining in sales, absolutely useless as a home-vehicle, but a great set of training wheels, High Mobility Multipurpose Wheeled Vehicle or “Humvee/Hummer.”**

This is the last step between civilian driving and tank driving. All those moms are now just one step away from front-line ready. All it takes is to give them a reason to join up, and we think we have it in the 24/7/365 Crèche. No one has time to run those kids to soccer, Wing Chung, ping pong, speech, binge-drinking parties, and all the other calls that kids make on the parent’s time. If we promise to take over that part of their life (pass the scheduling to Colin P., looks like he has plenty of time on his hands), those moms will join up in droves. Just in time to try out the new Abrams model A is for Apocalypse.

Yours, etc.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx (as above)

* What an effect that car had. You’ve got to thank AMC or GM or Ford, whoever took it on the chin with that thing. They set us up but good for the monster-car revolution. It’s a close call between them and the Monster Truck Rallies. Who knew that black project funding would be this much fun? Of course, I miss the strawberries & cream from the real sports events we used to frequent, but c’mon, now every day is Monster Trruck Monday!

** Damn the Navy and their deal with Ford. That new one is almost the size of the Hummer. ‘Land-yacht’ indeed.


Leave a Reply