Opening up new horizons to all writers is where we are at! We understand that just over the horizon is where dreams are made! We are down with your writerly ambitions! We understand, as we is writers ourselves.
And, so, having no interest in the bottom line, after all we are publishers and everyone in publishing is in it for the art not the money, we are announcing the formation of a new, er, imprint? Vanity press? Bold, New, Shiny, Revolutionary, Don’t Watch Our Hands, Lots of Small Type in the Contract, Type of Publishing:
We’re not interested in monetizing the slushpile, we’re interested in getting you to pay to publish it for our profit!*
- Let us help you get your book out to your real readership: your family and friends.
- See you book on bookshelves (if not in bookstores—see #1).
- For a mere $599 we will send you 5 copies of your book printed on our state of the art Print on Demand system. (Which sounds just like Lulu.com but isn’t, ok?) It will even have a color picture on the cover—with, and sit down because this is about to get awesome, Your Name Right There On the Cover!
- Our premium Marketing Fuss package includes faxes to people who don’t care as well as our ninja street team who will sneak your book into bookstores and, sometimes, even into the right section!
- In our super-premium “Booksellers” package—Usually $5 million, Today Only $2 million—we come to your town, open a bookshop, and stock your book. We will throw a launch party and have you do a reading and for a small additional fee we will throw in a couple of bottles of that sparkly Portuguese wine and some cubed cheese (which seem like such a good idea in the grocery store and look so sad on display) in the somewhat forlorn hope that people will come.
- Know nothing about publishing? Don’t worry, we’ll treat you right. Remember Yog’s Law and money. Then quickly forget it.
* This is an example of an unproofed sentence with a comma splice. If you pay for our Aspirational package (Usually $5,999, for this month only $1,995!) we will proof your book. Your unedited, uncopyedited, and unproofed sentences will become more like this:
We’re not interested in monetizing the slushpile. We’re interested in getting you to pay to publish it for our profit!*
* Or even this: We need to hit up the uninformed and rip them off before anyone else gets the idea.
And if Easymark isn’t for you, how about:
Because money, like beer, should always flow toward the writer. Unless we can get you to disgorge some first.
Here are some common questions we thought we’d answer ahead of time:
Is this program for me?
But I think my book could be a bestseller in this program.
Is this a vanity press?
Is this just a way to part the uninformed from their money?
Will my book sell? And if it does, will you publish it for reals?
No. Unless you buy a metric ton of it and sell it out the back of you car at flea markets. Which, as every writer knows, has in fact worked about three times in the last thirty years.
I have a lot of money and I want to write.
Hmm. Oddly enough those two things have nothing to do with one another.
Also, as to the latter: bum on the seat.
I don’t have quite as much money as that last questioner. Will you still publish my book?
Well, we have a super discount program where for $49 we read your manuscript and offer you more services for more money. How about that?
What is an “editorial review”?
One of our unpaid but enthusiastic interns will run spell chekc on your novel and recommend that you cut out most of the adverbs.
How will you publicize my book?
Well, it will be listed on our PaytoPlay website, not emailed to our email list, not mentioned on any of our websites, and not included in anything related to our press.
However, have you ever heard of “blogging”?
What price will my book be?
All our state of the art trade mass market paperback hardcovers are priced to sell at $22.89. You automatically get 5 free copies! (For the price of shipping.) In accordance with our publishing philosophy, author copies can be acquired at 200% of retail price. No royalty is paid on author copies.
Is this “the cynical use of a respected brand to legitimize a business model which has long been associated with predatory tactics, in the guise of inventing a shiny new business model for those brave enough to dream big. And pay through the nose, presumably“?
No! No. Er. Yes.
Will my book be a Small Beer Press book?
Are you daft? Of course not!