Prison Is a Place on Earth

Thu 1 Mar 2001 - Filed under: Chuntering On, Free Stuff to Read | Leave a Comment

House prices far out of reach?
Can’t afford an apartment?
Come to Prison!

“It’s just like my old man told me,” says Prisoner X, male, 37, married with two children. “Three squares a day, a job and a place to sleep. I’m doing better here than I ever did outside!”

Tired of the noise, the rat-race, the pressure of urban life? Many prisons are in rural and suburban areas. Enjoy the peace, the fresh air of a new prison. Laugh at people hurrying along from one city to another as you take a relaxed walk beside the highway (Keeping America Beautiful as you go).

Worried by overcrowding? It’s not a feature of all our prisons.  Besides, there’s always solitary confinement which Charles Dickens enthusiastically described as a “slow and daily tampering with the mysteries of the brain.” (American Notes for General Circulation, London: Chapman & Hall, 1842)

College Tuition

Tuition costs getting you down? Don’t have $30,000 a year for the school you want? In prison you’ll get more education in four months than college could give you in four years! We have a great selection of two-year degrees which won’t cost you anything near what traditional schools would charge you!

Go Federal!

In 1998 there were 1,210,034 prisoners in the USA (up from 487,593 in 1985). 91% of these (1,102,653) were held in state facilities. What a mistake, Go Federal: less crowded and more programs.

Prisons: Not just for men anymore!

Women!  Struggling to gather a down payment on a home? Trying to escape the family leash?  Come to Prison where the glass ceiling is being shattered right now!  Between 1980 and 1998 the number of women in state and federal prisons rose from 12,300 to 84,427.  And how about all those locals?  In 1998 approximately 64,000 women were in local jails and over 700,000 were on probation, parole or under community supervision. In the last decade the population of women in US prisons increased by over 90%. (In the same period the increase for men was 67%).

Co-ed

Most prisons are still co-ed (see sidebar on California) and most guards are still male. Old-fashioned? Don’t let it worry you, it doesn’t worry us!

Childcare?

Can’t afford it? Neither can we! Again California shows why it’s pulling ahead of the other states. Along with New York, they’re establishing visiting programs and parenting classes. Wait, these weren’t established before the twenty-first century? You must be kidding. No?

Pregnant?

Try Bedford Hills in New York state. It’s the only prison in the country where you can keep your newborn with you–or go to Europe where similar programs are common. Don’t worry if you miss these opportunities, we think you’ll hardly miss the kids!

Prison. An Equal Opportunity Environment.
Women and minorities encouraged to apply.

How is Prison Patriotic?

Prison building is one of the fastest growing segments of the construction industry. Cities and counties are racing one another to build new prisons and private industry is taking up the challenge. Mack Theniphe, 44, sweet voiced, dark-haired vice president of Kansas City based construction giant, Smith and Klinehopper, was recently quoted in a national newsmagazine:

“No one can deny the next world recession is here. Asia and Latin America are still struggling to regain the heights of productivity of a decade ago. Every day Europe looks more like the 1970s; communism and socialism are drowning the markets. The world looks to the USA to keep the international economy on track. Construction is the bedrock of the US, and thus the world, economy.”

U.S. Prisons: an important piece of the world economy.

Where Should I Go?

States with the highest number of prisoners (1999):

California ~12,000
Texas ~10,000
New York ~4,000
Florida ~3,500

The Golden State has to be your priority! With almost 12,000 women in prison in 1999 it’s everyone’s favorite! Five prisons especially for women means you won’t have to go co-ed. Bring your family and friends to the west coast prisons and you won’t have to worry about being isolated  unlike other states where often your prison can be hundreds of miles from home.

Go back to No. 7

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